You should stop trying so hard to not be yourself
I can’t be a better friend right now because you scare me
It sucks that I like your X
I wish I had more time so I could hang out with you again
I am glad we are still friends
I hate how fake you can be
I wish you were single a week later than I let you be
I mislead you because I was drunk
I feel sorry for you because you just don’t get it
I wish you were still around
I want to show you what love is
I still think about you a lot
I miss our talks
I envy you
If only you lived closer
I should have matured sooner
I take you for granted
I can’t wait for you to come hang out this year
I can see you as the future me
You were another missed chance
I can’t explain how jealous you make me

Drawing Inspiration

Start the game and shuffle up
Inspiration, let’s begin
Cut the deck and draw a card
Will my mind forever win

King of Diamonds
Are you rich or just a phony?
Old and sad, what are you hiding?
Axe and crown, you’re nothing like me

Ten of Spades
The mob I can’t outrun
Protect your own and kill the rest
Too much to handle, you’re no fun

Jack of Spades
Lead the mob when I’m outpaced
You want to be the Jack of Hearts
I’m happy you’ll be replaced

King of Hearts
Reminding me of Dad
You’re content and happy
The biggest heart can’t be that bad

Two of hearts
True love at last but separated forever
You know the other’s there
Will you meet some time? Never

Eight of Diamonds
Too many for me to give
You taunt me in the window
Up to a standard I’ll never live

Two of Diamonds
Like a pair of wedding bands
You look exactly like each other
It’s where I hope that my heart lands

Three of Hearts
There’s one more than the Two
Will the middle heart be blinding
Or will the two outside stay true

Jack of Hearts
He’s the one I want to be
Chivalrous and romantic
His downturned smile is what I see

Queen of Hearts
I drew my mother last
She’ll have a flower in her hand as well
And she’ll be dreaming of the past.

Ten cards down, no more to draw
Did I even get inspired?
No more left to draw, now it’s game over
Will I make this game required?

Well not as inspired as I thought I could be, but it helped a little bit to get me in the mood. I had to cheat once because I couldn’t think of anything after drawing a couple numbers, but every card was drawn and not hand picked.

A new sight takes off
It ascends
As the hindsight looks on
And pretends
It doesn’t see the heart
When it bends
To fire of passion that consumes
As it expands
Toward the mind, unprepared
For a blend
Of falling love and hate
Only held back
By the capacity to mitigate
But still contain
The feelings left over
From the enigma.

Taking another road now
It’ll wrap around for sure
Dig out the lost words
A panic starts: back comes the pressure
Laid back mind with a closed mouth
Lyrics stall, disappear
Fingers idle, appear to look busy now
The mind follows suit, screensaver
Rhyme took a lunch break, back in 30

Back to what works for me now
Couldn’t really tell the difference anyhow
Got my mind on too much though
Don’t know where I should start or where should I go

So many places
I change so these days
Being me’s not easy
Can’t shine like the sun’s rays

Walking
End of a road, a long walk to end
Tried not to run, set a good pace
Can’t turn around, can’t even look back
Too long of a road, couldn’t see far anyway
A fork metaphorically, a choice to be made
One path leads around to the same looking road
Been down this path twice
There’s nothing new here
Another endless circle, no forks or cheers
Path two look different
An old friend perhaps
A bit rough around the edges
Still the same inside out
Maybe a mixture of things
Maybe more paths converge
This path looks friendly
Or at least not so stern
A bit darker than usual
A bit of light just inside
This path offers freedom
And no place to hide
Was there really a choice?
Or just a revelation
Why walk in the first place
Could the body have been pushed?

I look into the mirror, I’m 23.
Is that me?
I start to stare and ask “Who should I be?”
Should I be that guy dancing drunk at the bar
Should I be that guy driving that broke down car
I let the thought pass and put on some pants.
Heh, I was drunk enough to dance
I wonder sometimes if I could ever change
To a much cooler person, judging others as strange
23, and not much to me
Just an average guy, not a sight to see
I’m middle age, still I don’t have a clue
I’m underpaid, overworked and my heart is blue
Aching, I wake every morning for work
I’m that guy at the desk, the jerk
I feel bad for people, the stupid, the dumb
Is that why I drink, just to feel just as numb?
Maybe I’ll change, my looks and my group
A physical makeover, a cranial coup
Exhausted I sit, as look at that clock
Maybe tomorrow, others I’ll mock
Or point
Or laugh
Or just plain ignore
I’ll stand at the desk, I’ll begin to bore
I still plan on quitting, its just not the right season
I’ve made up my mind, I have more than one reason
My eyes going red, as I struggle for words now
I hope this message brings hope, I just don’t know how
….To be continued

A weekend off, for once.
Thought about going home, only once.
Can’t stop thinking about someone, not once.
Missing my friends, this once.
Four once, not feeling too happy.
Messed up
An order I had here
Relieving
Missing
Longing
Breaking
Impression, can I make one?
Depression, can I take some?
The best, the worst
Which one came first
Tired of work
Bored of play
Something new.
To change, no
To modify, not quite
Adjust, that’s the word, to fit in my life
An adjustment(strike that)… a word I used twice
Am I trying to sound good?
Or should I try to just write?
(Did I use try twice right there, to prove a point that I don’t?)
Is it love, that I just cannot find?
I pause as I think
Is it what was that word, do I know what it means?
Too many questions
Too many clouds
Dropping nothing but snow
To cover up answers
No happy ending
No big show
Too much in the negative
So this plus brings a smile
I’m happily discontent
At work, just for now.
Special, sigh
Relief fills my lung
The other’s still uncertain
Can it outlast the other’s song
And one more note published
For prying eyes to see
A look into myself
Carpe Diem
You should read.

Or the one when you kissed that frog it seems

I’m just the guy that knows what’s best

But I don’t stand out from the rest

Appreciate what you have

Protect the things you love

From the ground beneath your feet

To all the stars high up above

I’m not like you

You’re not like me

But I’m glad we’re better friends

Than best friends could be

I could take every thing I’ve ever felt

Touch your heart and watch it melt

Or toss it all into the sky

Turn my back and hear you cry.

Now I can think of at least 2 things wrong in believing that cleaning and bringing back an old idea will increase profits. Firstly, all stores should be clean without having to be “certified” clean. In general I really don’t pay attention when I go into a store unless it’s downright nasty to walk without stepping in something. Secondly, my generation is not the “buy now” type where we go to stores to shop and wait around to hear what’s on sale. I look online and read reviews and pick out exactly what I want before I go to the store, IF I go to the store that is. The BlueLight Special was for my parents when we’d plan a whole friggin day around shopping, not the get it and go shopping that I do now. But enough of that.

Also, The K, like some stores, offers a line of credit through Sears. We primarily offer this at the checkout lane. This is our “job”. With the current state of the economy, I don’t feel like people need to make a major decision about their credit in the check out lane as an impulse decision. This is when I told my boss I didn’t want to work at the service desk if I had to offer credit to people. He more or less ignored me and walked away and I’m still at the desk. Maybe he’s just looking for someone to replace me before moving or firing me for insubordination.

More in a while, this entry could be a multiple day effort, another first!

I am an open person mostly. I keep a few secrets here and there, but I am not afraid to tell most things I think about if asked in the right way.

I consider myself the most selfless person I know. Don’t get me wrong, I have my own interests, I just seem to have more fun doing what everyone else is doing. I never have a problem giving up my bed if someone is too drunk to drive, I will even DD when one is needed. This leads me to the next point.

I consider myself one of the nicest people I know. I’ve never met a girl that didn’t say I’m a “nice guy”, but it seems it’s a double-edged sword. Nice guys don’t get women, it just doesn’t happen. Apparently girls don’t want everything they ask for, in fact, they want what you want sometimes they just won’t ever ask for it.

This brings me to the list. The list consists of every person that I’ve liked and thought was different from everyone else, but I was wrong about. It’s not a very big list, but a list nonetheless. If you are on the list, I might treat you differently, maybe expect less from you or do you less favors. I decided that if anyone on the list should question their status, I will strongly consider telling them everything they’ve done or not done.

I used to do backyard wrestling with a very amazing bunch of friends from a small town close to my hometown. I didn’t get very good, but I did it all for fun and to get a good workout while clowning around with some of my best friends. We had an actual ring for over a year after wrestling on mattresses for so many years before then.

I’ve been single my entire life as well. I’ve never even been on a date either. This means inevitably I’m still a virgin at age 25. I’m not sure why it’s been like that for so long, maybe I’m just used to it, maybe I’m just so different that no one wants to take a chance on the nicest guy around. I guess having more obvious flaws like smoking, being an douchebag, or just generally lying to women are better qualities as long as you are taken care of long term. I have two long term thoughts about myself and I’m not sure which road I travel: either I’m slowly becoming incapable of love, or I’m more capable everyday and going to be more of a perfect match with someone every day. I’ve been pretty good at doing and saying the wrong things at exactly the right moments to screw over all the chances I’ve had with women. Maybe being atheist and having such a logical working mind are too scary for people to contemplate that maybe this guy is actually capable of shoving all logic aside to say he loves. Love to me means giving everything you have to someone and trusting them not to walk away with it all. I think too many young people misunderstand love because their bodies haven’t completely matured to the point where they are capable of what love really is. Maybe the reason divorce rates are so high is that young people would rather take the easy road once they realize they might be wrong instead of working things out the hard way and proving that their initial emotions were correct to begin with. Love and communication go hand in hand like a couple walking in the park. In my eyes you cannot have one without the other and you will never be truly happy unless you have ample amounts of both. The second communication breaks down, love stops happening.

(long winded up there, maybe I should start a new blog and move it there)

A wise man once told me: You can only fail at marriage of you cannot succeed at divorce. If you cannot fully convince yourself to stop loving someone completely, you will never move on nor come close to the happiness you once had.

I’m not sure I could ever be more than a friend. As much as I long to have someone in my life, I’ve always heard the same cliche’s over and over: “you’ll find someone”, “women love to be chased”, “maybe you’re not looking in the right places”, “you gotta take a risk sometimes”, “you’re such a great guy any girl would be lucky to have you”; that last one really digs me. If I’m such a great guy, why don’t YOU want me? And that matter, what if I took a risk on YOU how would that change shit between us? Honestly, no one has ever told me what’s wrong with me, so I’m not sure whether it’s just me or all of them. Maybe all women are shallow and only convince themselves that a hot model-eske Einstein will sweep them off their feet. Maybe women love being treated like shit by douchebags that act just nice enough to get some action. There are times I get tired of being wired to be completely nice and genuine. I wish I could share my true feelings for people and not risk my friendships in the process. It’s completely and utterly ridiculous how blind some people are. “Hey you’re BF is a loser” means “Prove me wrong by sticking it out another year before you realize I’m right”. “Your husband treats you like shit why are you with him” means “I don’t love him like you do so I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about”

Things I want to do:

1. Start working out

2. Read Shakespeare sonnets, and write about them later.

3. Memorize how to fold a crane

4. Update my wardrobe

5. Quit gaming.

6. Quit the K.

(It’s been awhile since I looked at this, and love isn’t even on the list. Maybe that’s why I think about it all the time, because I can’t stop thinking about it long enough to write down. Love is the new number 1, I just couldn’t stop thinking about it long enough to edit it in and bump the rest down.)